Show Me the [Research] Money!

"...data are consistent with the possibility that semen may antagonize depressive symptoms and evidence which shows that the vagina absorbs a number of components of semen that can be detected in the bloodstream within a few hours of administration."[1]

Dudes, seriously?!? Can you PLEASE share your secrets with us??? HTF does one write a grant proposal for some of these studies coming out?  WHO funds them? The John Holmes Foundation???

As I'm currently suffering from an attack of the ladybrain (which will be scientifically detailed in a future post), I'm trying to find every possible means to direct this surge of energy into creative outlets instead of checking my phone every 3 minutes and/or listening to the untruths the ladybrain whispers in my ear, such as "maybe you should call Verizon just to make sure your phone is working?" or "maybe he crashed his bike and that is why he hasn't texted back?"  MAKE IT STOP!

Since we're on the topic of the "internal voice," I've been reading up on this claim made by two researchers at New York State University in Albany in which they postulate that semen acts as an antidepressant in females.  AGAIN, how does one receive money to do this research???  Is it over cocktails at a nerd conference??? 

#d-bag1: Hey dude, my gurl isn't putting out and I'm soooo allergic to condoms...I wonder if SCIENCE can help me out???

#d-bag2: Oh, I heard the John Holmes Foundation has money earmarked for studies in female manipulation.  Maybe we can connect depression to a woman's lack of semen uptake?

#d-bag1: Whoa dude...why don't they let us drink these jager-bombs in the lab???

Initially, I pulled out some dusty text books and scoured the interwebs to refresh my memory (ie, learn for the very first time) how to develop a null hypothesis and do chi-squared, t- and p-tests to PROVE these douchebags wrong on a MATHEMATICAL level. But, then I got lazy (read: confused), and realized that they already gave me the ammunition I needed right in the paper.

This is YET another example of how journalists read merely the abstract of a scientific study and not the DISCUSSION section which includes all the CAVEATS...you know, the part where the scientists admit how their research project sucked and suggestions for the next set of researchers to design a better study.  These CAVEATS include:

• "Although our findings raise more questions than they answer...."
• "It is important to acknowledge that these data are preliminary and correlational in nature, and as such are only suggestive."
• "More definitive evidence for antidepressant effects of semen would require more direct manipulation of the presence of semen in the reproductive tract and, ideally the measurement of seminal components in the recipient's blood."

Oh, HOLD THE PHONE! Actually, journalists don't even read past the TITLE, as this is the headliner for a post I saw online...

"Oral sex is good for women's health and makes you feel happier, according to a study which studied the effects of semen's 'mood-altering chemicals.'"

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2190863/Semen-good-womens-health-helps-fight-depression.html#ixzz2koWMUGWA 

And yet, the researchers CLEARLY STATE (albeit on the last page)...

"It would be interesting to investigate the possible antidepressant effects of oral ingestion of semen, or semen applied through anal intercourse (or both) among both heterosexual couples as well as homosexual males."

So in short, journalists rarely research the actual source and just end up rebranding someone else's poorly researched as their won.   Also, the most bizarre research always seems to be in the medical field.  Hence the conception (no pun intended) of this blog...bringing the people INTERESTING and HUMOROUS science stories without the JAGER-BOMBED uninformed reporting.

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[1] Gallup, G; Burch, R; Platek, S (2002) Does Semen Have Antidepressant Properties? Archives of Sexual Behavior 31(1): 289-293.