Carbon is a Dirty Evil Slut

Yea, so whatever…I’m not suppose to personify elements.  But HEY, if your high school chemistry teacher told you that carbon is a dirty evil slut, wouldn’t you have been intrigued?  Maybe you would have pursued the most awesome of the scientific fields—BIOCHEMISTRY.

Carbon is the building block of LIFE, asshole.  Carbohydrates, proteins and most all other nutrients we require are made of carbon compounds.  The same is also true of our cells, DNA and the plants we eat.  In fact, there are over 10 million different naturally occurring carbon compounds.

The fourth most abundant element in nature, Ms. Carbon is typically dark and DIRTY.  She's coal, she's graphite, she's can take an Alice-in-Wonderland pill and become an itty-bitty nanotube. That's pretty dirty, if you ask me.

Carbon carries the sign of the beast, and that makes her EVIL.  She is made up of six protons, six neutrons and six electrons.  That's right, bitch, 666! Now, if God did indeed create the world in seven days, why would he base everything on a satanic element?  Seriously, I'm a scientist, I'm just asking questions...

Now, here's where I'm going to have to drop some chemistry and electron orbit knowledge on your ass.  All electrons hang out in different orbits.  The maximum the inner most orbit of an element can carry is two electrons (aka, the "electron love seat").  The next orbit can carry up to eight (aka, the electron minivan".  Hence, due to the six electrons, carbon's outer-most orbit is only half-filled. In order for Ms. Carbon to feel "completed," she'd really like to have the full eight whirling around her hoop skirt.  Here's where she's a SLUT.  She wants to pair up with about  any other element to get those four missing electrons.  Not only will she pair up in any which direction, but also can do it with up to for different elements AT THE SAME TIME.

But as with any smart, successful, sassy woman that likes her men bearded, bespectacled and tattooed (oh, wait, did I get off topic?), when carbon is under a LOT of pressure (work, dumb dudes, screaming kids, death, divorce, the economic world collapsing, etc), she becomes the TOUGHEST bitch ever, and one of the most sought-out precious gems-- the DIAMOND.

Kean, Sam (2011). The Disappearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of Elements. 
Yorifuji, Bunpei (2012). Wonderful Life with the Elements: The Periodic Table Personified.